Death of the Cell Phone Salesman
by Hardra61
Summary: Scully: Oh, Mulder....I love you so much....and yet....you've eaten two of my children...... (PARODY ALERT! SOUND ALL ALARMS! HARDRA6 IS DOING HER STUPID HUMOR THING AGAIN!!!) Kudos to Frohike for his one, very cool line, and the little man who hypnotizes


Death of the Cell Phone Salesman

A genuine X-files parody

By Hardra6

Category: X-files parody, MSR, strangeness.

Summary: Oh, Mulder! I love you so much...and yet....you've eaten two of my children.....

Notes: Um, it's a parody. Enough said. Watch out for falling cast members, bad guys and things that you don't want to happen but happen anyway and are really terrible but then turn out ok in the end. Um, read story now. Thataway. \/

********

Fade in. Mulder is sitting at his desk staring at a paper covered in strange words. Scully enters.

Mulder: If.....ay........ou....yay.......an.....cay......ead....ray.....is......thay......

Scully: Hey, Mulder I brought you lunch. What the heck are you doing?

Mulder: ....en.....thay......ou....yay......are.....ay.......art....smay....Oh, what?

Scully: what are you reading?

Mulder: I have no clue. [hands the paper to Scully] My contact sent me this in the e-mail. I think it has something to do with the murder we're investigating.

Scully: (squinting at paper) If......ay......ou....yay.....an.....cay.....ead.....ray.....Woah, brain freeze. Where did this come from?

Mulder: I don't know, but it isn't human.

Scully: I'll send it to the guys in the decoding lab, maybe they can figure it out. (puts paper aside)

Mulder: Well, let's get going.

Scully: Mul-der, aliens don't exist.

Mulder: What?

Scully: (pausing) oh, sorry, that comes later.

Mulder grabs the Taco Bell bag Scully brought him and takes his taco out of it. He is about to bite into the spicy gordita with scrumptious cheese when a small dog jumps on his desk.

Dog: ¡Yo Quiero Taco Bell!

Mulder: Uhh,

Dog: Muchos Grande.

The Dog snatches the taco and runs down the hall with it. Mulder starts to cry. 

Scully: Awww, Mulder, don't cry. 

Mulder sniffs. 

Mulder: Can I have your taco?

Scully: Sure.

Scully hands Mulder her taco. The little dog comes back.

Dog: ¡Yo Quiero Taco Bell!

Mulder: (holding the taco up high in the air and standing on his desk) NUH-UH!! 

Dog: Umm......Crud-o? 

The dog runs away whimpering. Mulder begins to laugh maniacally. 

Scully: Come on, Mulder, let's get some work done. There is a mystery to be solved here!

******

[Mulder is bending down over a dead person, rubbing his chin.]

Mulder: hmmmmmmmmm.

Cop #1: Agent Mulder, what do you think?!

Mulder: hmmmmmmmmm.

Mulder's phone rings, he answers it. 

Mulder: Mulder

Scully: Mulder, I think you should have a look at this. I'm at the lab with this code, and its starting to make sense to the lab guys.

Mulder: what does it say?

Scully: If.

Mulder: If? That's it?

Scully: well there's more, but we haven't figured it out yet.

Mulder: (shouting) What??

Scully: WE HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET!!

Mulder: I--CAN'T--HEAR--YOU!!

Scully: YOU--CAN'T--??

Mulder: NO!!!!

The Phone: KKKKssssssshhhhhHHHHSSSKKkkkkkk....

A tall FBI looking man walks up behind Mulder. he wears a black trenchcoat.

Mulder: I---STILL--CAN'T--HEAR--YOU--SCULLY--

Sprint Guy: Sir, I think you have a problem.

Mulder: What?

Sprint Guy: It's called Static, sir. Here. Try the new cell phone from sprint PCS. It's static free.

Trench coat guy hands Mulder a phone and turns away.

Mulder: Who are you? Why did you just hand me your phone?

Sprint Guy: I'm just a messenger.

Suddenly the body Mulder is inspecting gets up, grabs Mulder's gun and shoots trenchcoat guy in the back. He grabs the phone out of Mulder's hand and put the gun back in Mulder's holster.

Dead guy: That's MY phone!! (starts to run away)

A green rental car pulls up very suspiciously quickly and runs over dead guy. Scully jumps out, her gun poised and ready. 

Scully: Mulder! You're alive! I was so worried! What happened?

Mulder: uh, some guy came up and gave me a phone then the corpse shot him and took the phone from me and then you hit him with your rental car?

Scully: Mulder, there's no such thing as aliens!

Mulder: that's later, Scully.

Scully: oh. 

Mulder bends down to look under the car right as the police come up and begin to punch his lights out. Scully shoots one of them before they manage to back off.

Scully: What are you beating Mulder up for? He's hot!

Mulder: (posing dramatically) why, thank you Scully.

Scully shoots Mulder in the foot. 

Mulder: ow.

Cop #1: He killed the Sprint guy.

Cop #2: yeah!

Mulder: no, I didn't kill the sprint guy. The guy that aliens killed then stole my phone then shot the guy then Scully ran over killed the sprint guy.

Cop #1: you're lying, I was there I saw the body dead. 

The cops handcuff Mulder and drag him away.

Scully: Dang.

*******

There all in a court room and Mulder is in the bad box. 

Judge: Agent Mulder, did you kill the Sprint guy?

Mulder: Nooooooo! The body got up and took my gun and shot him didn't you seeeeee? 

Prosecution: People of the Jury, the man before you is not only mentally insane but he believes that aliens will come and abduct him some day. This physic killed the Sprint guy, always ready to hand people a static free phone at no cost, making our lives better to reduce the shouting and yelling over the ever present static! (camera focuses on him) Sprint PCS! Switch to us today! 

Scully: HE DIDN'T DO IT HE DIDN'T DO IT HE DIDN'T...

Judge: Jury, Whaddaya think?

A little man runs out and hypnotizes the jury.

Jury: Mulder-is-guilty. Mulder-is-guilty. Mulder-is-guilty.

Mulder: Neeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

CSM: (sitting in the back seat with a bag of popcorn) Ha-Ha. 

CSM's goons drag Mulder away. 

Prosecution: Ha-ha-ha. Sprint PCS: we always win in court! (flashes bright white teeth)

A UFO hovers over Prosecution guy and they zap him up into the underbelly of their ship before flying away.

*******

Scully is in her house crying her eyes out. 

Scully: (to nobody in particular) Oh Mulder, why, why, why??!?? You had to leave me, now, right after I discover that I am pregnant with your septuplets! (begins to bawl incessantly)

Mulder: (striding into the room) Don't worry Scully, I am here to rescue you.

Scully: Oh, Mulder! you're back! I love you, I love you and I will love you forever! 

Mulder: Kiss me Scully.

Scully kisses Mulder. They stay frozen like that for a very very very long time. Finally the door bursts in and Skinner waltzes in with a bottle of champagne and some flowers. He sees them kissing and frowns, snapping his fingers and stomping out. 

Mulder and Scully are still kissing.

Frohike waltzes in with a bottle of champagne and some flowers, then sees them kissing.

Frohike: Poo, Poo and rats.

Frohike stomps out, brushing past CSM as he comes waltzing in with champagne and flowers. CSM, too, sees them kissing, but he doesn't know what to do so he hides the champagne and flowers and lights a cigarette.

CSM: (mysteriously) So I see you're back together, agents.

Mulder and Scully don't hear, they're busy

CSM: AH-HMM!

Mulder and Scully don't hear him.

CSM storms over and cracks Mulder on the head with the champagne bottle. Mulder's eyes become little x's and he topples to the ground. 

CSM: I See you've found Mulder, Scully.

Scully: (in denial) Yes, I have, and I'll never love you!

CSM: But, you're pregnant, aren't you? (Scully gasps) And would you know that, of the seven children you are proposed to have, three of them are mine?

Scully: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mulder wakes up and rubs his head.

Mulder: ow.

Scully: (crying) but HOW!!??

CSM: You remember? I believe your exact words were, "OH, TAKE ME WILD STALLION!!!"

Scully's eyes widen.

Mulder: Scully, how could you?

Scully: I thought it was you!!

Mulder: Yeah right! He could be my grandfather!!

CSM: No it is not, because....(Lights darken and CSM's voice becomes James Earl Jones's).....Mulder.....I am your father!!

Mulder: Neeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

CSM: This is so great, I'm going to have more babies. Hmmm....I'll name the first one Jeremiah, and the second one Alphonse, and the third one......Eugene!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mulder/Scully: AHHHHHH!

Eugene Tooms pops out of the air vent and charges CSM.

Tooms: *MY* NAMES EUGENE!!!!!!!!!!! MINE MINE MINE!!!

Tooms eats CSM's liver.

CSM: Durn.

Mulder: Scully, we're saved.

Scully: Oh Mulder...I love you. But what about those three babies? I mean, what will their brothers or sisters think? I mean, what if they're deformed like those Perkies were?

Mulder: You mean Peacocks.

Scully: oh, yeah. I forgot.

Mulder: Kiss me Scully.

Scully: okay. (they kiss.)

Tooms: awww. (whips out a Polaroid I-Zone Sticky Film Camera and snaps a whole roll of them kissing. Then he squeezes through the toilet never to be seen again.)

******

Scully is sleeping on her sofa when her cell phone rings. 

Scully: Scully.

Lab Guy: Agent Scully, we've got more.

Scully: (siting up) Oh?

Lab Guy: Yes. So far, the message reads, "If You Can." Is that great or what?

Scully: that's GREAT!!!!!!! 

Lab Guy: we're celebrating down at HQ, wanna come?

Scully: can I bring...Mulder?

Lab Guy: Bring as many people as you want!

Scully: Great! I'll bring Meat Loaf, too.

Lab Guy: uhh, okay.

Scully hangs up and presses Speed Dial one. 

Mulder: Mulder

Scully: Hi, Mulder, They found out more about the message. It says, "If You Can." Isn't that great?

Mulder: Um, what?

Scully: They're having a party. I thought we could go and have fun!

Mulder: ---------------------

Scully: WHAT? Mulder? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

The door is kicked in and Sprint Guy races up to her. He is holding a cellular phone.

Sprint Guy: Ma'am, you have a problem.

Scully: Uhhhh.....?

Sprint Guy: Your problem is static. Try Sprint Loud and Clear plan. You get 1,000,000 milliseconds of long distance free, and no static.

Scully: aren't you dead....?

Mulder: -----------------------

Sprint Guy: My work here is done. (He jumps out the window and flies away)

Scully holds the cell phone and finally calls Mulder. 

Mulder: Mulder.

Scully: Hey, I can hear you.

Mulder: Hey, me too!

Scully: that sprint guy that they say you killed but actually the corpse you were looking at then I ran over killed was just here, he gave me a new phone!

Mulder: Hey, a dead guy took away my new phone.

Scully: Let's go to a party. 

Mulder: Do I get to wear a lamp shade on my head?

Scully: only if I get to wear a poodle skirt.

Mulder: cool.

Scully's stomach suddenly becomes seven times its normal size and she shrieks. 

Scully: AHHHH they're coming out they're coming out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mulder: oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scully proceeds to have all of her septuplets one by one. Finally she sighs and leans back. At the exact same moment Mulder kicks in the door. 

Mulder: Oh be still my heart! They look exactly like me!!!!!!!!!!!

Scully: Theoretically, that's so you won't eat them.

Mulder: Oh? Oh, well too bad.

Mulder proceeds to eat one of the babies.

Scully: MULDER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Mulder: Ooops, did I just eat that baby?

Scully begins to wail. Mulder burps.

Mulder: Mmm.

Krycek rushes in, hiding halfway in the shadows. 

Krycek: Sorry, Scully, but I'm taking one of your babies so I can sell it to the aliens for a lot of money so I can live in Hollywood and sit in a hot tub all day with Britney Spears. Nothing Personal.

Scully: (looking over the six remaining babies) hmmm do you have to?

Krycek: I'll kill Mulder if you don't.

Scully: Dang. Weeeeeell......you can take this one, it's kinda ugly. 

Krycek: thanks. (he picks up the baby.)

Mulder: NOOOO! Scully how could you???? Your own child???

Scully: (angrily) well it was you or the baby, Mulder, I mean, DUH you are so much cuter that it is!

Mulder: I bet it's tastier than I am. (Mulder snatches the baby away and eats it. Krycek and Scully stare at him unbelieving as he smacks his lips and licks his fingers.)

Mulder: mmm. 

Krycek: Umm, you know, I've got an important, uh, dentist.....thing I've gotta be at, so, uh, bye. 

Krycek scurries away. Scully turns her head and begins to cry. 

Mulder: what's wrong?

Scully: Oh, Mulder! I love you so much...and yet....you've eaten two of my children.....

Mulder: no, I didn't. 

Scully: Huh?

Mulder: (professionally) nope. I have a pact with the aliens that if I pretend to eat your babies, I get ten million dollars!

Scully: Will you share???

Mulder frowns and tries to signal Scully with his eyes.

Scully: what?

Mulder leans towards Scully and whispers in her ear.

Scully: Oh. *Ahem*--Mulder, there's no such thing as aliens!!

Mulder: On the contrary. (to the ceiling) HEY BOB! Let'er Rip!

A beam of light engulfs them and they zoom up to the alien spaceship with the five remaining babies. 

Mulder and Scully appear in the underbelly of the ship, and the set about picking up babies. Three or four aliens walk in. 

Aliens: Greetings.

Scully: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mulder: Hi. Um, could you help us out here? Too many babies.

Scully: Oh, yeah. And three of them aren't Mulders. Can you fix that, too?

Aliens: we can fix anything. 

The aliens whip out lasers and shine them on the kids. They age two years, and three of them (who have white hair and are arguing over a pack of cigarettes) suddenly become beautiful hazel-eyed children with brown hair and big noses. 

Mulder: awwww. 

Scully grabs Mulder's arm.

Scully: DON'T eat any more. Speaking of which....?

Two aliens come in holding the two supposedly eaten babies. Scully cries tears of joy and holds the babies. The aliens age them so they're two, too. 

Mulder: (babies clinging to his pant legs) umm, maybe make them a little older?

Alines: of course.

The babies age fourteen years. 

Kid #1: Dad, can I have the keys to the car?

Mulder: Uh, um, No....

Kid #2: Dad, I need some dating tips....

Kid #6: Dad can I see your gun?

Kid #3: Dad WHY did you have to name me Fox?

Mulder: I uh, I, we ran out of names, I--

Kid #1: Mom, can I have the keys to *your* car?

Scully: Uh...

Kid #7: Mom! Dad! Number two is pushing me!!

Kid #5: But mom, it's a really cool show! I can do my homework later, really!

Kid #4: Dad, let's talk about my College tuition fund?

Mulder: SHRINK THEM SHRINK THEM SHRINK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aliens: Okay. 

The aliens shrink the kids just in time. They are half an hour old again. 

Mulder/Scully: Phew.

Mulder and Scully gather up the babies (Mulder balances on one his head, Scully tucks one into her pants) and Scully sees the time. 

Scully: OH! We're late for the party!

Mulder: Have they found any more?

Scully: Let me check....Hold these guys....

Scully dumps three kids on Mulder while she digs out her Sprint cellular phone. 

Scully: Hi, Lab Guy! Is the party still on? Yeah? Got any more of the code? Hmm?

Mulder: What does he say what does he say??

Scully: They've got "If You Can Read". 

Mulder: I CAN READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scully: Hey, Me too!!!!!!

Mulder: they must mean us. Aliens?

Aliens: yes.

Mulder: Get us to the Hoover Building. And land on the roof of the White House while you're at it. 

Aliens: Okay.

Scully takes more babies and the Aliens land on the roof of the White House.

*******

White House Guard #1: Ack what's that?

White House Guard #2: it's a code six! Fire!

All the guards fire on the UFO as it lands on the roof of the White House. The UFO is blown to bits and Mulder and Scully and all seven of the little babies and one intact alien is caught in the blast, sending all of them to the Hoover Building.

Mulder: Again! Again!

Babies: WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Alien: Cool.

They all go into the party, handing out babies because their arms are sore. Mulder grabs a lamp shade and Scully runs to the ladies room to put on her poodle skirt. The Alien makes itself bleed killing the DJ, and he puts on Barenaked Ladies and starts a major jam session.

Skinner: Agent Mulder. What are these babies for?

Mulder: Sir...? where are you? (bumps into wall; lampshade covers his eyes)

Skinner: Are these your babies? There's a whole bunch of them.

Mulder: Oh, yes. Aren't they the cutest little things?

Mulder and Skinner talk man talk for a long time. Finally Skinner walks off and Scully comes up in her poodle skirt. 

Mulder: Scully, is that you??

Scully: Yup. Hey, what do you think about skinner?

Mulder: Oh, Skinner's a nice guy. In a constipated sort of way.

Scully: (distantly) yeah. 

They are silent for a while, then the Alien puts on YMCA and Scully dances to FOX MULDER instead. Everyone thinks its funny and they all start doing it. 

Everyone: F, O-oh EX!!!

Mulder: ohhh shut up!

The Alien bounty hunter enters the room. He wears a party hat and a yellow tie to fit in. The Alien sees him and dives under the desk. 

Everyone: Em-U-L-Dee-E-R!

The Bounty hunter slides over to the alien and the alien runs and hides behind Mulder. The bounty hunter goes after him, but Mulder separates the two with his hands.

Mulder: now, we can work this out like civilized....Aliens....

Alien: HIDE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIDE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mulder: uh....okay, hold still. 

Mulder eats the alien. The bounty hunter looks confused for a while, and Mulder pats his shoulder.

Mulder: *urp* ahh. Well, how bout it big guy, wanna dance?

Bounty Hunter: uh............okay.

Everyone: F, O-oh Ex!

The bounty hunter starts to smile and get jiggy with it and when he's occupied, Mulder whispers to a desk not far away.

Mulder: Ok, it's safe now!

The alien peeks out and gives him a thumbs up, then runs like heck down the hallway. 

Scully jives over to Mulder and they groove together.

Scully: So, how did you eat that little alien without really eating the little alien ad fool the bounty hunter at the same time?

Mulder: It's magic.

Scully: Oh okay. Wanna flamenco?

Mulder: My pleasure.

The spotlights hit Mulder and Scully and a rose falls from the sky. Mulder catches it in his mouth and they dance to spicy Spanish music. 

And they all lived happily ever after, the end.

Oh, wait, I did that wrong. Ahem....

And they thought that they would live happily ever after, but they were wrong.....because....weird and dangerous things were going to happen to them in the not so distant future! So be sure to tune in next time for.......THE X-FILES!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

For your listening pleasure, the Mulder YMCA song!

....Young man  
did you know there's this thing  
I say  
Young man  
It's the joy that you bring  
When I   
See you  
Every Sunday at nine  
And there is  
No   
Guy  
That's  
As  
Fine

Young man,  
I just wish you could see  
Me and my friends  
Catching you on tv  
And we   
all smile  
Watching you on your show  
I guess  
There  
Is   
No  
Way  
You'd know

The cutest guy on earth is  
F, O-oh Ex  
M-U-L-Dee-E-R!

Young man, young man  
You're the one I adore  
I will always love you  
For-ev-er more.....

Later, my friends!


End file.
